Dedication to Ellen DeGeneres

CH # ? I Dedicate this Chapter to Ellen DeGeneres

Dear Ellen,

My name is Stephanie Gaal. I’m sure you know that now because you probably read who this book was written by. I’m such a genius!

I was at Barnes & Noble one day with my girlfriend Sarah. Our mission was to get some work done, but I continue to ask myself why I go to bookstores to get work done when I never do. I see all these books and I want to look at all of them. It’s a total and complete distraction for me. I need to work on that.

So, in the midst of looking at all these books I found yours. The only thought that crossed my mind was that I was going to buy it. It didn’t matter how much it was or how big the font was or if there were pictures. I knew that, by watching your show and falling in love with the type of human being you are, that I would like your book.

I tried emailing you a couple times. You know how viewers can send you emails that never get responded to? (I’m only giving you a hard time.) Regardless, I did try and after I did it I was like, “Why did I just do that? First of all, whoever checks Ellen’s emails is not Ellen. She’s way to busy for that. Secondly, whoever does check them will be so busy reading thousands of emails that he or she will never have time to respond to them. And third...LY, can’t leave third out, I was emailing you out of self pity. I wanted to come on your show so you would give me money. Ha. So I could pay my bills. Who does that? It wasn’t truly an email asking you to give me money and pay my bills, but it was more so an email that I hoped someone, hopefully you, would read. And you’d feel for me and go “Awwww, we should help this young lady.” Who was I to be so selfish? There are so many other people in this world that are much more deserving of an opportunity like that than I am. I soon forgot about it and continued to watch your show as you invited randoms to come on and help. It always makes me smile.

Soooooooooo, when I started reading your book I was like, “Are you serious, she has a very similar writing style to mine.” What if my book gets published and Ellen reads it and thinks I copied her? Oh boy. Is that plagiarism? Or plagiarellenism? I think I just made up a word. I fell in love with you again. Your book that is. Don’t worry Portia I have a girlfriend who is way hotter than you! Yeah, I said it. I’M SORRY! You’re hot too.

I never stopped laughing as I was reading your book. It’s just so honest, so passionate, so, so...so authentic. Real. The way you write, the way you talk to your readers is exactly what people need to see and hear. The world can be a messed up place, or a wild world says Cat Stevens, but when there are people like you to set thing straight, it makes a person like me believe that there is hope. That we can conquer the world & prove to people how they all need to be just like me and you.

Thank you Ellen for your words, your efforts, and most of all your very genuine heart!

All the best to you, Portia, Mabel, Wolf, Charlie, George, Chairman, Tom, Little Sister, Hannah, Tricky, Holy & Madonna. 

BEST ADVICE EVER

"Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)"

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99 If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…




ALL IN GOOD HEALTH

Conversations with a Korean Woman

She told me she thought I was crazy.
I said I am.
So I told her my story.
Then she told me her story and said I'm not crazy.
This woman who I know not personally, but casually from work.
She's getting a divorce.  She's from Korea. 
A divorce there is not a divorce like in the U.S.
It's almost a sin. Forbidden.
So now her family thinks she's crazy. As if her happiness does not matter.
She went to Korea to tell her father.
She cried and I saw her cry.
She asked me to be her friend and come visit her when she's alone.
I said I would.
More conversations with a Korean woman to follow.

hate me if u want to

there's a part of me that likes nothing about you.
there's a part of me that wishes you would just disappear.
if only i would've begged harder for her to stay.
that's an Easter day i may never forget.

you think you know her.
you think 6 weeks means something.
6 weeks don't mean shit.
i laugh at you.

don't try and tell me what she will decide.
don't ask me to get a cup of coffee with you.
number one, no i don't want to.
number two, i don't drink coffee.

i cringe when i hear or see your name.
when i do hear it, it reminds me of the first time i found a tick on my dog.
i had never seen one before and i felt disgusted. dirty.
now i only take the ticks off because i don't want my dog to die.
you're like a tick to me. i must get you off of her.

having you in her life drives me crazy.
i want you to go away.
there's nothing about you that makes me feel good.
there's nothing about you that brings me peace.
there's nothing about you that i want for her.
i want what's best for her.
you are not the best.

I'd Swear It Was Real

I received a text message saying, "Billy shot himself".
I dreamt that I woke up and read it and it was true.
I was still dreaming.
It's been almost twenty four hours since I had this dream, yet it is still on my mind.
I'd swear it was real.

It doesn't matter how hard I try the kid still seems to ponder around in my mind.
We don't speak anymore besides the ocassional posts on Facebook, but I still worry about him.
I swear I woke up and I thought he really had shot himself.
I thought he was dead.
I woke up worried and concerned.
It was just a dream though.

Poem of Ones

How's

Today

Forget

Tomorrow

One

Step

Here

Now

Push 

Forward

New

Day

Another

Step

Progress

Made

Now

Smile

For

Today

Save

Breaths

For 

Today

Live

Today

Forget 

Tomorrow

Chris Cleave on Love

“Whenever I need to stop and remind myself how much I once loved Andrew, I only need to think about this. That the ocean covers seven tenths of the earth’s surface, and yet my husband could make me not notice it.”

~Excerpt from The Other Hand by Chris Cleave


My reply: It's the one who can sit at the edge of the sand with you as the tide slowly rises between your toes. No words need exchanging. It's the peace between the two of you that defines your love for one another.

For L.P.--The Prank Call

so you'll never believe what happened today!!! it was crazy. i got a call from my dog saying she was out celebrating with norman rockwell for his birthday. and i was like, sophie, how is that possible? norman rockwell's birthday is february 3rd, it's already passed. besides, he died in 1978. and she goes, mom, don't you have an imagination? i'm at the art museum in new york. then she laughed and said ha, ha, ha. then i said, you silly girl. it's ironic that you're at the art museum in new york because that's where norman was born.

we talked for a few more minutes and then i heard this loud noise on the other end of the phone. i asked sophie what it was and she said there was a firetruck barreling down the street. i said, well i'm sure the news will be in the saturday evening post...

Puppy Eyes No Lies

A heart does what it wants.
Some times the heart doesn't want what the mind wants.
Where then does the truth lie?

My dog doesn't lie.
Everyday she loves me.
Her eyes are filled with the truth.

What about the truth stunts the effort of our minds?
We resist what our heart says because of what?
Because of fear?

Fear no more.
Get a dog.

And Then I Heard It

I ran. It was the most power-soaked run with the biggest burst of inspiration I've ever experienced. I could've won the Chicago. Or so I felt.
I was sitting there in tears and then I heard it.


My mind was full of pain, but my body so pumped with an unstoppable force. One step after another was one step towards the end. Not just that end.


I was sitting there in tears and then I heard it.


A full sixty minutes of balls out cardio and each minute was loaded with a revengeful punch. I could've officially TKO'ed even Mike. And Ali.


I was sitting there in tears and then I heard it.


Then the anger left. Probably because as fast as I was running I would never run with them. Their white tails crossing right through my path. Oh how I felt as if I could jog right alongside.


I was sitting there in tears and then I heard it.


A simple back country road. Who would've known. The most extravagant sunsets. So close to my heart so close to me. I was running right into it. I wanted to crash right into it.


I was sitting there in tears and then I heard it.


What a feeling what a fight. I won. Or so I think I have. I wait for the next one.


I was sitting there in tears and then I heard it.


A battle won.

Please Don't Kill Me

He had on a flannel shirt, a baseball cap, dark-rimmed glasses & sat all so composed on the couch. He had a full beard.

Three minutes earlier we had parked in a "Tow Zone". As the paranoia set in, this man that we had just met offered to save my friend from a disappearing act.

They came back and I could now take my eyes away from the clock. After a certain period of time I would've gone looking for her.

She actually said Please Don't Kill Me. If you knew her you'd fall to the floor laughing.

It was a good night and I met my first friend in South Bend, Indiana.